I’m one of those guys who goes nuts at Christmastime, making sure I get in at least one viewing of all the essential TV specials and movies, especially It’s a Wonderful Life, Elf, A Christmas Story, etc. (I’ve recently added Holiday Inn to the list, if only for the dream sequence, which is what I call the blackface scene because I keep thinking I must have dreamt it.) (And I still have never seen White Christmas. Should I?)
Anyway, another essential is Miracle on 34th Street, obviously, but the weird thing about that one is that even though I’ve seen it maybe a dozen times, I’ve almost never just sat down and watched the whole thing from beginning to end.
But I finally did that just the other night and it BLEW. MY. MIND.
Because I had always watched that movie thinking, “Here’s a movie about Santa showing up in New York and no one thinks he’s really Santa and they almost have him put away, but then enough people believe in him and Christmas is saved.” And of course we know he’s the real Santa because A) of course he is, B) he talks Dutch to Pipi Longstockings, C) he gets his doctor an x-ray machine, D) he brings people together as a family, and E) he gives Natalie Wood the house of her dreams.
But this time when I got to the end and saw Kris’s cane by the fireplace in the new house–the final sign that proves he’s Santa–I sat up and said, “Wait. Wait! There’s a FOR SALE sign in front of the house. It doesn’t say SOLD.”
All “Santa” did was find the house for them. They still have to buy the house! Why would Santa find you the gift of your dreams and not give it to you?
So then I started thinking about all the other proof that Kris is Santa. And there is none.
Let’s take this apart like the scene at the end of a murder mystery where the detective lays out all the facts:
1. Kris Kringle has a real beard. So do I. Well, it’s getting there.
2. He speaks Dutch or something. As Maureen O’Hara says in the movie, “I speak French, but that doesn’t make me Joan of Arc.”
3. He gets his doctor* the x-ray machine he’s always wanted. Sure. He buys it with money he gets from Macy’s and Gimbel’s. They hand him big bonus checks for bringing lots of Christmassy attention to their stores and he’s like, “Oh, sweet, now I can get my friend that x-ray machine.” And Gimbel says he’ll get it for him at cost! What’s Santa need with money? And discounts!
4. *His doctor?? We meet Dr. Pierce who is the head of geriatrics at the old folks home where Kris lives! They don’t say how long he’s been there, but there’s also no mention of, “Oh, he just showed up a month ago.” He’s certainly been there long enough for Pierce to have grown close to him and to have observed him long enough to deem his delusions non-violent.
Number 4 is actually the big one. Kris Kringle is a resident of an old folks home and has been for some time. After he’s officially recognized as the real Santa Claus by the city, county, and state of New York, he invites everyone to a Christmas Day party at the home! He’s still there! It’s where he lives! If he had been the real Santa wouldn’t he be resting up the North Pole on Christmas Day after delivering presents to the entire world all night? He certainly never would have gone along with being locked up or going through that whole trial. He would have whistled through his teeth, hopped on Blitzen’s back and said, “I tried, jerks! Enjoy the coal!”
Many of you (are there many of you?) are probably saying, “DUH. Everyone knows that it’s a movie about a guy who fully believes he’s Santa and that’s enough for him to be the real thing to people.”
But I never knew that. And my sister still doesn’t know it. And my mom doesn’t. They still think it’s a movie about the real Santa. But this revelation that I’ve had for myself isn’t meant to ruin the movie for them or anyone else. If anything, I think the movie is twice as cool now, not only because it’s a stronger message about Christmas in a way, but because Weird! Hollywood in the 40s made a heartwarming holiday classic about a deranged man who changes people’s lives while having zero grip on reality. It’s like Harvey in a way. Or the New Testam–AW, I had to go and ruin it.
Tom Taylorville 